It’s 11 pm, and you’re lying in bed, mind racing with thoughts of them.
Every small detail about them captivates you: the way their hair moves in the wind, the sparkle in their eyes when they walk into the room, the effortless charm in their smile. You can’t help but replay the moments you’ve shared, and each one leaves you feeling more drawn in.
That is until you realize;
Oh Lord, I’m in love.
Introduction
We’ve all felt love.
Whether it be a silly 2 week relationship from 7th grade, or the 10 years type of love, we’ve all at least felt a fraction of it.
But it seems as though every time you do fall in love, a sense of motivation just floods your body. Suddenly everything just feels so easy, like they were the key to your labyrinth.
And you’re not alone.
Most people who have experienced love before have experienced the same thing; the effect of love.
Immediately you want to impress them, you want to show that you’re the right person for them, you start doing everything you possibly can just to make yourself look just a tad bit cooler. And this has even been proven scientifically.
In this article we will discuss:
- Having A Crush
- Why You Suddenly Care About Everything
- The Downside Of This Effect
- How To Benefit From The Mental Boost
Having A Crush
A close friend of mine wrote;
“Falling in love is usually a subconscious act, we do it without realizing it. Signs would show up once or twice but we brush it off because we don’t know. The idea we might be in love is nowhere in our mind, we do and believe that until someone else points it out.”
The quote was written by @sincerely.fal
And that’s the magic of having a crush, it sneaks up on you.
You don’t plan when to fall in love, or schedule the exact time you will; it just happens.
Maybe it’s the way they laugh, the way they look at you, the way their eyes glitter under a lamp, love is unexpected.
But love isn’t just unexpected, it changes you.
Suddenly you start walking a little taller, you start eating healthier, you start working harder, all with the plan of somehow ending up with them. That small spark of romantic interest somehow fuels everything: your work ethic, your health, your confidence. You feel more alive. And it’s not just in your head, this is a documented psychological effect.
Why You Suddenly Care About Everything
But after falling in love why do you suddenly feel energized, motivated, like everything is easier?
Simple answer; impression.
Of course, you’re not going to walk past your crush unfit, stinky, and unhygienic.
You want to leave the best possible impression, one that makes them think about you, one that makes them reconsider.
But it’s weird, right? One day you’re too lazy to get out of bed, and the next you’re waking up early, doing your hair, dressing nicer, and even brushing your teeth with more passion than usual. You start caring about your grades, your fitness, your future. But why?
Because somewhere deep in your mind, you’re thinking: “If they notice me, I want them to see the best version of me.”
Scientifically this is called the “Self-Expansion Theory” It basically says that when you’re in love or infatuated, your brain tries to grow your identity to become more attractive, capable, or compatible with the person you’re into. You literally feel like becoming more.
Even your perception of the world improves. That walk home from school? Suddenly cinematic. That math class you hated? You’re actually trying to understand it, just because they sit two rows in front of you.
You start saying things like, “I don’t know what’s gotten into me lately,” but you do. It’s them.
Truthfully; they just add some much needed condiments to your life.
What once felt bland, now with the inclusion of them just feels, different.
And this breath of fresh air is what brings you the sudden motivation to start doing things you never would’ve done if it weren’t for them, which brings me to my next topic; Dopamine.
Dopamine is a chemical in your brain which signals what feels good/fun. Like a little brother after going on the swing set for the first time, instinctively they want to go again, and for you to start pushing him harder and harder. That’s dopamine at play.
This sudden rush of love is no different, it excites your brain. It floods your brain with dopamine.
Just thinking about them gives you a small dopamine hit, and your brain starts making connections:
“I looked better today = they smiled at me = good feelings.”
So you do more of what brings those good feelings.
This is called “reward-based motivation.” Your brain starts aligning your behaviors with the potential “reward” of getting closer to that person, whether that’s attention, validation, or even just a smile.
The Downside Of This Effect
But here’s the problem with using a crush as motivation; what if they don’t look back, and even worse, what if they’re looking at someone else?
Immediately your dopamine levels crash.
Maybe for a few days you keep pushing on with your routines, but they just don’t hit the same. What once felt like flying now feels like climbing an uphill mountain.
When you link your self-improvement to another person’s attention, you’re at risk of losing your drive the moment they disappear. And it hurts, not just emotionally, but neurologically. That dopamine high goes cold. What used to feel electric now feels empty.
Worse, you might start questioning the very improvements you made.
“Was I only doing this for them?”
“Did any of it really matter?”
Psychologists call this effect “The External Motivation Burnout”.
When the fire that drives you isn’t coming from within, it can burn out fast, especially when the source of that fire doesn’t return the glow.
But if you catch the crash early, you can still benefit from this external motivation.
The moment in which you do start utilizing it though, is when you start shifting the focus from them, to yourselves.
How To Benefit From The Mental Boost
That early motivation cycle isn’t permanent.
Maybe they moved on, started liking someone else. Or maybe, you got the happy ending you wanted, and you’re reading this with them sitting next to you.
No matter the conclusion, if you consistently rely on them as your source of motivation and give them complete control over your actions, it will never end well. If they become yours, you might feel like you’ve done enough work, and slowly you start letting go. If they become someone else’s, you might feel like nothing, like you were just another grain of sand in their desert of admirers, and slowly you start letting go.
So what do you do?
You hijack the motivation, and make it yours.
This is where the trick lies: use the boost they gave you, but don’t let them hold the steering wheel.
You started eating better to look good for them? Great. Now keep going because you feel healthier. You started working harder because they inspired you? Perfect. Now build the habit for your future.
Because even if you think that they are the perfect one for you, remember, life works funny.
Being healthier, smarter, maybe even richer, these things add up.
What didn’t work on one person might attract another. Keep working, and you’ll be better than the lovesick version of you from yesterday.
And even if they leave you, or go for someone else, I know it can feel rough and morally depleting, but keep going. Keep going to prove to them that they were wrong, but more importantly, keep going to prove to yourself that you weren’t good enough for them, rather, you were too good for them.
Sometimes, we focus too much on chasing love, or more specifically, chasing them. But real growth comes from turning that energy inward. Like the quote goes:
“Rather than chasing butterflies, you should focus on growing a beautiful garden. Then slowly, the butterflies will be the one chasing you.”
