A few nights ago I was in my room alone after an argument with my mother.
We’d disagreed about the trash littering my desk, and how a few plastic bottles ruined the view.
Of course, I immediately sought out to prove myself correct.
“I was planning on throwing them out later!” “That’s why you need to buy me a private garbage can!”
Soon, this argument has transcended the bottles on my table into issues with my etiquette and her judgement.
Now you decide. Did I get anything from the argument? Did I win? And if so, what did I win?
This article discusses the one reason why people don’t like talking to you.
How To Get The Best Out Of An Argument
Don’t get into one.
It’s as simple as that: just don’t enter an argument.
Unless you’re in a debate competition, you shouldn’t try to prove yourself correct through an argument.
The way we convey our thoughts has an influence on the way people perceive them.
If someone were to come up to you saying that your favorite musician sucks, your first instinct is to retaliate and prove them wrong.
From this situation, nothing they say will convince you otherwise.
As humans, when one of our beliefs or ideas gets challenged in an unsatisfactory manner, the first thing we do is fight against that.
The thing holding us back? Pride.
Even gullible arguments, like mine, were sparked by pride.
I didn’t want to confess to being wrong, and neither did my mother, causing it to become repeating assumptions about each other.
Unless you really need to, you don’t have to stay high.
In certain situations, you need to kneel down and accept defeat, or extinguish the fire.
Take this as an example: dealing with mad customers.
In arguments like these, people expect resistance. People expect you to start coming up with counterattacks.
But if you agree with everything they say, they’ll have nothing else to fight.
Don’t make them feel wrong; rather, make them feel right.
Swallow your pride, and let them feel right and feel heard. Angry customers want to be heard more than anything.
Listen to their argument and realize their nobler motives, because you both want the same thing: to serve the best quality.
In short, deflect arguments like bullets.
If you ever come across one, try to disarm it as quickly as possible by acknowledging the opposing perspective and showing your empathy.
People Want To Be Heard, Not Taught
People want to be heard, not just when they’re angry, but all the time.
It’s not only mad customers who want to be listened to, everyone does.
No matter how smart you are, there comes a point where you need to just shut up and listen.
Unless they announce that they need your opinion, you should keep it to yourself.
People want to express themselves. We all do. We want to talk more about us than we want to about you.
There’s no shame in that, it’s just the way we are.
So when people come up to you to dump their feelings, open your ears, and zip your mouth.
There’s a separation between good “trauma dump” friends, and bad ones.
It’s their ability to listen.
You’ve probably experienced this before.
In the middle of your angry friend’s explanation of their tough situation, you start explaining, or even giving advice.
it’s out of good, of course, but rather, they get even angrier than before.
Advice and explanation during these conversations can often come across as correction, or criticism.
It makes them feel like you weren’t focusing on their words, but rather on yourself.
The way it rolls off the tongue is arrogant, almost as if you’ve positioned yourself to be smarter than them.
Who wants to feel dumber, especially in those tough situations!
Just remember this one principle.
Most of the time, people want to be heard far more than they want to be taught. So unless they ask for it, don’t give advice.
Control Your Ego
It’s hard, I know. I have a high ego myself.
But in certain situations, it is much more quenching to hold back our ego and to reap the fruits of the future.
In petty conversations, you don’t need to have your opinion be heard all the time.
Tough, I know, but no matter how right you are, if you still do this you are still wrong no matter what.
Let fact be known only when required, and let the rest pass by like an evening’s breeze.
The reason why I have as much friends as I do now is because of this.
I am not friendly, I’m not very good at small talk, and I often cringe after I meet a friend.
But the one thing I do is stay humble.
Rarely do I state myself as the smartest, and rarely do I correct people.
I treat everyone’s opinion delicately, and I listen to it as if it were fact.
And I’m not trying to say I’m the best with this.
For years I have used these principles without realizing, and so I want to share them with you.
If you want to learn more, I’d recommend reading Dale Carnegie’s How To Win Friends And Influence People. Truly a classic.
Hopefully this piece can benefit you all.
“You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.” – Dale Carnegie
